Why is setting up a blog so hard? The first time I wrote a blog was roughly one hundred years ago when you could set up a blog in the time it takes to make dinner. Now it’s all gotten so complicated and there are too many decisions to make. And nothing will paralyze me more than too many decisions. This is maybe why we’ve moved so much, because I’d rather pack up my entire home and move than redo anything in our house. Because… how in the hell do you decide on the right countertop or bathroom tile or lamp? Even when we have decided on a paint color, I usually make my mom pick it out and once it’s done I wonder, Should we have gone with the other gray instead? Probably. I think we should move.
I have had the idea of another blog rolling around in my imagination for a really long time. And the time between that moment and now… well, it’s all taken far too long. I could have conceived and grown and birthed a human baby in less time. Part of this is that I’m really good at being distracted and part of it is all of the fear and self-doubt and overthinking. These are all things that I am super good at.
I don’t want to brag, but I can dive down a crazy-girl rabbit hole like a boss… What if no one reads it? What if this just sits out in Cyberville and I’m literally writing this for no one? What if the very small number of people who do read it think it’s dumb? What if they think I’m dumb? Because sometimes I am dumb… like when my fifteen-year-old asks for help with Algebra. Just kidding. My fifteen-year-old never asks me for help with Algebra. Nor does my thirteen-year-old. Because when they asked back in elementary school, I was no help and so they have stopped asking because it’s just embarrassing for all of us.
Blogs are hard, but at least they’re not Algebra.
During all of this self doubting and feeling woozy with fear and olympian rabbit-hole diving, I found lots of ways to stall. But I just kept circling back to this little, persistent nudge.
And this little nudge was all, “Who cares if no one reads it? That’s not really the point.”
And I was like, “I care because what is the actual point of writing if no one reads it or likes it or cares?”
And then the nudge would get all high-minded and, honestly?, kind of annoying, “The thing is, you want to write some stuff. You have some things to say, some experiences to share, some ideas that might resonate with someone. And so the beauty and the strength come from stepping out and doing the hard thing despite the rabbit holes or making sure everyone likes it… or you. And, by the way, you can do hard things.”
That last part was more Glennon Doyle and less from this nudge of mine, but it wouldn’t go away. It did what nudges do… it kept nudging.
And so back into the blogging world I skipped. Except it was more like, I trudged. Setting up a blog has been harder than expected and the entire process has made me super mad at all of the internet things. I think I’m being punished by the World Wide Web Universe for saying to Ryan, back in 1999, that this email thing was stupid and that we didn’t need separate email addresses, for the love, and I don’t even know why we need one. And again, several years later, when I laughed at him for getting a Facebook page since, I said, that it would never be a thing. I am not good at the internet stuff, is what I’m telling you. Which makes my previous job as social media manager all the more ironic. So whether the Interwebs were mocking me or I am just really bad at computer stuff, this has taken longer than I thought it would.
And so each morning, for weeks, I’d say… Okay, today is the day. I will hit publish and it will be out there. And then well… giddy-up, I guess, because it will off and running. And then each night I would fall asleep thinking, damn. And the frantic, panicky, unkind voices would gather together and start making picket signs and they’d start marching around in my brain telling me how sucky I am about getting things done. Which is both true and also not helpful.
I think there are probably two ways to handle this situation. One person will methodically write for a prescribed time each day, no matter her inspiration level or desire to do so. She will persist and write and draft blog post after blog post, she will set a magical goal date of when she will finally hit that Publish Button, tick off all of her To-Dos and when that day comes, she will actually Do. The. Thing. and be on her merry way.
And then there is the other person… who will sit down in front of her computer for five entire minutes and then she will decide she should take a walk and then she will make a grocery list and then she will change her Facebook profile picture, maybe she will scrub her baseboards and text a GIF to her friends and call her mom, then she will have to go to bootcamp because exercise is really important and now that she’s already out she will just run all the errands. Eventually she will have a few days when she cannot stop writing and it is all a giant and exciting avalanche of words that is exhilarating and amazing and she will feel like the queen of all writers and she is already doing podcast interviews in her imagination and it is all solved and she can finally get this blog going and she will go to bed with giant promises and bubbles of hope. And then she will wake up and reread it and discover that it is actually garbage and she will have to start all over again.
I know that this will really come as a surprise, but I identify a bit more with Person Number Two in the above scenario and so most days I am really just questioning God as to why he has put this little nudge in my heart at all if it is so obviously not my gifting and I am so clearly doing it all wrong. So if you’re reading this, you can assume that the Rapture is near (I honestly don’t even know what that means, but it feels like the right thing to say) or maybe I have become possessed because by some giant miracle this blog has finally been published.
I guess, eventually, even the most ridiculous, distractible, procrastination-inclined person, who really has no business starting a blog that will require consistency and, you know, writing, will say to herself over and over again that tomorrow is that the day when she will finally hit Publish… one day, she will be right.